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Thread: Lizard Birthing Storey - True? who knows...Funny - Absolutly

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Udora, On, Canada

    Default Lizard Birthing Storey - True? who knows...Funny - Absolutly

    Lizard Birthing Story

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
    including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
    will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to
    the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
    his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
    Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
    into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was! Indeed lying on his
    looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
    I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
    reproduce," I accused my wife.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she

    (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
    most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
    informed me.

    (again wi th the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going

    I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
    "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
    of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

    (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
    tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
    it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
    more ti mes with the same results.

    "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
    could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
    females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.

    (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to
    me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
    little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
    speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to
    step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay ?" my wife asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
    In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
    Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
    like most male species, they Just the way

    he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,

    you know! what I' m saying, Mr. Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife of fered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and
    giggle and then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
    woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
    manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It' s just...that...

    I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its...teeny little..." She gasped
    for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
    the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
    going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 Lizards - $140...

    1 Cage - $50.....

    Trip to the Vet - $30...

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless
    0.0.3 Pythons - 2 Bloods, 1 Jungle Carpet
    0.0.1 Boa - Brazilian Rainbow
    2.2.2 other snakes...Kings, Milk, Corn, Rat, Gopher
    0.0.2 Uromastyx
    0.0.2 Red-Foot Tortoises
    t & the petsss

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Elwood, IL - Southwest Suburb of Chicago (about an hour away)


    Man, that is great, kudos on "helping relieve" your lizard. :wink: By the way, what kind of "lizards" are these? Most species don't take kindly to having two males together... just wondering.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Guelph, Ontario, Canada


    its pretty irrelevant, but most lizards lay eggs rather than give birth to live young. Just so you know. :wink:

    - Scott

    0.1.0 Argentine Black & White Tegu (Koopa)
    1.0.0 Bearded Dragon (Cowboy)
    1.0.0 Pixie Frog (Chubudha)
    0.1.0 Cuban Knight Anole
    0.1.0 Chilean Rose Tarantula (Szandora)
    1.1.0 Cats (Jimi & Rivers)
    And a


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